Swing'n On A Star and All That Jazz

Howdy folks, it's been awhile. Probably because I've been spending more time working on a new novel. I got my first one published. Wooo hooo ! Actually it's been a bitch. The publisher is not traditional so I have to spend most of my time promoting the book, and I'm not a salesperson. I'm going with another publisher for this next book and the next one and the next one. I really do like writing. So, what is the point of this blog today? Moronic drivers. There's plenty all over the place - all races and ages. My biggest complaint - people with poor depth perception. It's an epidemic!!! These people must have tremendous trust in their car's brakes, and the driver in front of them. I especially like the tailgaters that do so, hoping to intimidate the driver in front of them to speed up. This probably wouldn't be a problem except there are ten other cars in front of them. Do these idiots think by riding someones bumper that all the driv...

There once was a time that I wanted to have children and always wondered what kind of mom I would be. I think a good one, but I'll never know. I always joke that my brother had all girls, my sister had all boys and I had all dogs. Given the fact that I spoil my dogs and pretty much let them get away with everything if I did have a kid, he or she would probably be horrible. Yesterday my husband and I went to The Cracker Barrel for an early dinner. Those of you who don't know, this restaurant specializes in country home type food and the atmosphere is casual. The food is by no means gourmet, but it's tasty and inexpensive which means people bring their children. I have no problem with children dining with their parents unless they allow their children to run amok, scream or cry. So as we were waiting for the hostess to seat us I could hear the screeches of a tot. "Please God, don't let her seat us next to the screecher." Had the hostess done so I would...

To know me now, people would never guess that at any point in my life I was shy. I was in fact, very shy until I met my friend Helen. She used to always say, and probably still does, "fuck em if they can't take a joke." I totally agree. Nothing's worse than a person who either doesn't get it or spends most of their waking hours looking as if they stepped in dog shit. I'm not saying that you should walk around being so bubbly and happy you give people cavities, but Jeeezus lighten up. But back to my reason for this blog. During a visit to my cousins' house and while horsing around in the front yard with some of their friends (all males), somehow I managed to show my underwear (I think I fell and one of the boys pulled down my shorts) and wouldn't you know it I had a hole. Well, from then on I was known as Holey Underwear. Obviously that wasn't anything that was bringing me out of my shell. To add insult to injury my second nickname with these same ...

My husband and I went to Chili's yesterday for linner (for those of you unfamiliar with the word, that's lunch and dinner combined). When we go we always sit in the bar section at one of those tall, round tables and order margaritas (my husband has the Presidente and I have the Top Shelf with a side kick of Grande Mariner, on the rocks, no salt). One of my favorite things to do is people watch. Most of the tables were full so the people coming later sat at the bar. There was a nice looking young man sitting alone enjoying a beer. There were other couples and singles doing the same thing. They all looked rather normal and perhaps friendly, fun-loving people. Then enters a couple, older. By that I mean late forties or early fifties. They looked around for a booth or table and since the only one available was next to us, they opted for the bar. I wasn't offended by this because perhaps unconsciously this couple knew that I would annoy them to no end. You see I...

My definition of a hoochie mama is probably different than yours, but regardless if you think a hoochie mama is a woman dressed like a Ho or a woman dressed inappropriately; let's face it, it's a woman who doesn't know how to dress for shit. Mind you it has nothing to do with fashion, but more to do with taste. What kind of moron dresses in mini skirts, and tank tops in the middle of 25 degree winter weather? Than have the audacity to complain it's cold. Give me a fucking break! These women are nothing more than insecure borderline older women who are trying to maintain their youth. Let me tell you something ladies, it ain't gonna work. You're not fooling anyone but yourself. My aunt is a hoochie mama. At 73 she still dresses like a twenty-five year old. It's ridiculous and she looks ridiculous. I'm not saying a woman in her seventies should dress in catalog elastic waist polyester slacks and a short-sleeved shirt in a print more suited for ...

That statement drives me nuts and is sooooooooo not true. You catch a cold from germs not from being cold. You're more likely to die of hypothermia if you go out in cold weather without your coat before you would catch a cold. So, when a co-worker calls in sick and then returns saying they caught a cold from not wearing warm clothing when they went outside in 30 degree weather, they're totally full of shit. It probably makes no difference to those of you who don't hold 8 to 5 jobs, but it is amazing the excuses people use to call in sick. I'd guess that 90% of those people calling in sick are faking it. Case in point. It's Tuesday and one of your co-workers is 'skipping to my Lou' all day long; just having a great day and feeling what some old folks would call, 'hunky doory .' The next day they call in sick with a horrible stomach flu, and return the following day to work with nary a sign of this debilitating condition. In fact, they are humming alo...

I've always been fond of words; something I get from my mother. I like to write, play scrabble, do crossword puzzles - well you get the picture. A few years ago I volunteered for a literacy program in California where I lived at the time. My first students were two Korean ladies. They had lived in Orange County for more than a decade and had a good grasp of the language, but lived in a Korean neighborhood so they rarely got the chance to speak English. What I learned was that English is a super complicated language. Imagine trying to get someone to understand why the O sound in to and go are pronounced differently. Or what's the difference between to , too and two , or there , their and they're . Grasping sarcastic humor is an altogether different challenge. Last night on Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader, a question was which of these words was a palindrome: jumbo shrimp, cuckoo, race car. For those of you who don't know or can't remember the ans...